Time changes everything, even you and I have changed

*NERDY MAMA!
Dreams are a deception of the heart. My name is Reika, but the name on my birth certificate is Keisha. I prefer to be called Reika or whatever nickname you can make. It's all fine. There's not much to be said about me, but this blog is about how your heart deceives you in dreams. All the pain it’s gone through has a thirst for revenge and it attacks you. It's why we all have to know what it is and why not to listen to it. -Kakurayami Reika
-That's me
bolditalicunderlinestrikeout

The rain, the winter spring has made us fade away

cbox.

I really wonder how you feel on these nights so alone


My Daily Blog
My Beauty Blog
Collaborative Musicians' Blog
My Tumblr
My Twitter
My Livejournal

Template by Elle @ satellit-e.bs.com
Banners: reviviscent
Others: (1 | 2)


“life will be better in spring”
September 2011 October 2011

After About 14 Hours of Rest
Sunday, October 9, 2011 || 3:28 PM

So I slept for about 14 hours. Yeah. From 2:00 to 15:30. Crazy, right? Turns out I needed that rest. It's like my mind was revealing to me all the things that are going on in my subconscious.

Where to start? Uh... I really don't know how it all began. I'll write bits and pieces.

Oh, I looked up a while ago that any dreams in which you see poo (feces is too fancy, let's say poo) it's the undesirables in yourself that you want to get rid of. Yeah. I hope this makes someone feel better about seeing poo in their dreams. (I didn't know where else to put that paragraph. Anywhere else would have messed up the flow of the other dreams and explanations.) Yeah... on to the rest.

My friends that are dorming and are out-of-state or upstate were back in the area and we were all having fun together. I miss these people so much. I wanted to cry when I woke up from the dream. I miss them all dearly. I want to cry now too. I'm still afraid I may not meet them again. The memories will always stay in my heart. They said it was Thanksgiving vacation and somehow it was going on during the Columbus Day weekend.

WOAH!!! I just looked at my calendar and it said that today (October 9th) is Thanksgiving in Canada... Woah... That's freaky. I didn't even know that. I had no idea it was that same day. Then again, parts of the place looked like NY and others didn't. I mean, I think I've read that Canada's Thanksgiving is different from the U.S.'s but still. I swear my mind does some crazy stuff through my sixth sense. O.O

This is why I want to do Wicca and learn more about myself. I cannot reject it any longer. I have a strong sixth sense and it's there. It's a gift and I should not ignore it.

In that same dream, there was some sort of game or maze you had to get through if you went in this old abandoned building. It was a test of yourself. A test of strength I believe. You had to conquer the fears that were inside of you for so long. Deaths of people you knew, insecurities, all of that. You had to get over it. Literally. Go over it. I remember going over a hospital bed and I think that symbolized my grandmother. She was sick for the last two years of her life and all the things she did as she raised me were sticking with me. Calling me stupid, ugly, making me paranoid, making me isolated, making me unable to trust people. All of that. I had to get over it. I believe there were some demons in there I had to get through or go over too. They were UGLY as SHIT! O.O Not shit feces shit, but damn. Those things were large and ugly. It explains what I was dealing with.

At the end of all of that was a man. I can't remember exactly how he looked, I think he was old, but there were some balls he had that you could see moving images through. They looked like wiffle balls and were like little worlds I believe. You could choose to have the future you wanted (you could see a meadow and your friends and feel the happiness), or you could go back into the ball of darkness that held all the things in your past that were worrying you that you just defeated. I think there was another ball with my childhood in it. I think it was in the same category as the dark ball because it's something I shouldn't go back to. Once you chose, you had to stick with that choice and go through the door into your new life. I chose to grow, become strong, and be fearless of my past. He told me I had to stick with the choice of being strong and not go back after choosing it. I think he said he was going to come after me and make me do this again and/or I would be stuck in that dark building forever. (It's true in a way because if I didn't make the choice to go ahead and be strong I would be forever living with all the things that bothered me.) After I went through that door (the one of moving ahead), in all of my dreams after that one, I was so much stronger. I felt that the insecurities (Imani) were gone. I felt like I was becoming more of Reika.

In one dream after it, I had this power of making things multiply. I guess that was symbolizing the new strength I attained of creating things. I would be able to take one thing and make so much more from it. I used to feel that anything I did had no value to it and that I was terrible at so many things, but here I was proving anyone who doubted me wrong. At the end I overused the power a little and had to rest though. I guess that's telling me to know when to rest. XD

In another dream, those bitches that live above me (blood related aunt and cousins and then their friends and family) were trying to attack my mom, my uncle, and I. When they came after me, I didn't mind. I just dodged everything. But then, my mom came out of nowhere and the arrows started to fly to her. I couldn't see them. The weapons were just coming through the windows that I know belong to them. It hit me that my mom would die, so then all of a sudden I changed into Reika. I set their part of the house on fire, protected my mom and (not so sure if my uncle was there now) killed them all. Then we woke up in the house. We were back were we used to live and the place was much better now. Maybe it was a new place because it looked like it and at the same time it didn't. The lighting was kind of weird, maybe because of the curtains or time of day. Then again it was bright at one point. We were safe and all the negative energy that was in the house was gone. I had killed those people and got rid of the negative energy. I don't know how, but I did. I felt so much stronger, I felt like me. I felt empowered and better than before.

After waking up from that long journey, I felt good. I felt strong. I felt calm. I felt like all or at least most of my worries were gone. I believe in one part I said something about Reika being awakened. I guess through all the stress it was hard to let her out and it looks like she's back now. My body feels warm, my energy levels feel warm, good, positive, one of those words or all. XD

I think one major thing that's been bothering me ever since I left high school and started college has to deal with my childhood. As a child, I was always forced to grow up. I rarely had time to be a kid, cry and be treated as a child, and all that stuff. I remember when my cousin cried after getting hurt from playing jump rope and everyone was so nice to her, asking if she was okay, and she got a lollipop. I was jealous so after I got hurt I cried as well. All I got was "stop acting like a baby". That's it. No nice treatment, no candy, nothing. I didn't get the closure of a father or the closure of being hugged a lot as a child either. In elementary school, all the girls wanted to be so "grown up" and you had to act like them. Ta-da: One more event in which I didn't get to be the child I was. All of that not getting to be a child got to me and stayed with me. In starting college hit me hard that I'm on the road to being an adult. The same thing that I was always pushed to be was here. The time was now. My childhood was robbed from me and I always tried to go back to it. Maybe through going back to it is where the insecurities kept coming back. Now that I realized I HAD to get on the path of being an adult, I got scared and confused. It's why I didn't feel ready for college. It wasn't college itself, it was the NEW LIFE. Now I understand all that's been going on with me. It makes so much sense now.

What I have to do now, since I didn't get to do it as a kid, is enjoy my life. I have the power. (Now the song is in my head. XD) I can choose what to do and not have to listen to anyone else. The child in me that never got to be a child was looking at all the bad sides of adulthood, but now I'm seeing the good. I was seeing that I have to get married, have sex, get pregnant, have kids, work, all the stuff that scares a kid about being an adult. Now that I'm on that path and I understand what's been going on with me all of that doesn't look so bad. Right now I'm eighTEEN. Next I'll be nineTEEN and then twenty. I have two more years, well, one and a half of transitioning. I feel that I'm truly an adult at twenty. Eighteen and nineteen are when you're transitioning. According to U.S. law, I'm an adult at eighteen, but if that's true why do I still carry the teen insignia? I feel I'll be an adult at twenty and I'm just transitioning now. Now that I understand everything and the confusion is gone, I feel so ready for my new life and so much better than I did before.

I should let Jackie and Wynter read this. Nassor too. It's a long post, but yeah. They should read it now that everything is cleared up. Wynter and Jackie knew what was going on after last week, but Nassor didn't. I talked to him before about my childhood, but as my brother I feel he should know this as well. How the heck did I write so much? Good God. @.@

Until later,
Kakurayami Reika

AH!!!! One more thing! Haha, Uncle.
JACKIE! I had a dream you got to dye your hair so it looked just like that picture of yourself you drew as Ryoko! It looked awesome! :0

Okay, NOW I'm done. :3
What a way to end it.

Oh, ONE MORE THING. Haha, Uncle again. XD
There's a part in the area where my heart is that feels different. It's like whatever negative energy that was there was removed so it's this new space there. Is it the space for trusting people and opening my heart to them that's finally avaliable? How the heck do I draw these conclusions? @.@ Cool. XD

Start
Friday, September 30, 2011 || 8:31 AM

After today's dream, excuse me, nightmare, I got some writing to do.

I'm starting a blog on my dreams and what they mean. This one hit me hard. -_-

From my college, some girl wrote a book about my blog and how crappy of a person I am. She wrote everything from how I talk to who I talk to and all of it was... I don't know. If I remember correctly, she wrote, "As you can see, this person always goes over to people who reads books, sits in a group of people and never says anything and only laughs, and walks around..." I can't remember the rest. Then she went on to critique my blog (darkfire-382) and saw that I write terribly in it and blab on and on. In the dream I was so sad and everyone in the college didn't like me and just laughed at me after that.

When it became too much, I woke up.

I was sad and ready to cry, but then I noticed something:
If it was real, that bitch would've got beat. Excuse my blackness, but it's true. I do have insecurities, but that gives no one the right to write a book like that and put a long chapter about me in the beginning. Fuck you, fuck your life, fuck that chair you're sitting on. I believe it was the insecurities in my head trying to get a word in again. I haven't been listening to it lately so maybe that's it.

I'm very worried that that part of me has a name: Imani. That's the name of the girl who wrote that stuff about me and they said she went to my college. I'm not going to be worried though. There's Keisha (the nice side of me with insecurities), Imani (the insecurities that want to bring me so far down), and Reika (who I am; the part of me that never gives a fuck about what anyone else thinks or wants). It's going to take time, but I have to get rid of Keisha and Imani. There's no other way. To anyone reading this that doesn't know me and thinks I'm a psychopath... Okay. You're probably correct. I am insane. So what? But remember that everyone has different sides to them. You're not just all one thing. Everyone has the paranoia voices, the "you're not good enough" voices, the "fuck you I. AM. ME." voices.

I would've made this post longer or clearer or both, but I have to get ready to leave and hang out with my friend and her cousin today. Maybe I'll edit this when I get back. Not all of my posts will be dark and reflections of my subconscious. Some will be straight up silly because that's how my dreams work. I've had crazy, but hilarious drug trip dreams that run on and on. Now I'll have somewhere to document them all.

Reason for choosing this name:

Dreams are a Deception of the Heart/Deception of the Heart
Dreams show what you are really thinking. It tells you what's going on deep down inside you. You may not know it because you're ignoring it, but it IS there. When you wake up, depending on the dream, you may have a bad view of yourself and think that whatever happened is true and makes you have this pain in your soul. You're deceived in a way because you can always get stronger. You don't have to listen to that side of you that wants to bring you down. Sometimes dreams are so confusing that your dream self does not think in the same way you would, but when you wake up, you make that way of thinking your own when its' not. You were deceived by the pains of the past that live in your heart.